HUANG PULLS OUT OF KOP BID
KENNY HUANG tonight ruled himself out of the running to buy Liverpool Football Club.
Only last week Huang was quoted as saying, “Liverpool has always held a very special place in the hearts of millions of fans around the world…. oh how I loved the Beatles as a child. And when we heard that they used to have a good football team we knew we just had to find a way to resurrect that lost success, and try to capitalise on it”.
Indeed, the Chinese tycoon insisted last week he was 50 per cent confident of sealing a £400million deal for the Merseysiders. However, following his recent visit to Merseyside Huang said that he can now only be 50 percent sure that he will ever be able to listen to John Lennon again without “regurgitating a bloody mess”. “What can I say? Liverpool just wasn’t what I expected it to be…. and I have a sensitive gag reflex”, explained Huang.
Official reports from LFC allege that Huang’s comments are ‘no more than a smokescreen’. The billionaire, who fronted the bid as part of his QSL Sports Ltd company, is said to have refused to comment when quizzed on whether the North Korean government were backing his plans.
An insider from LFC tells us, “It pleased him to see that there are rules in place that all the players must wear the same kit; however his proposals for uniform player salaries did not go down too well, his insistence that Torres must cut his hair was a deal breaker…. and there was absolutely no way that Dirk Kuyt was going to agree to drive to work in a Trabant”.
His withdrawal leaves the Reds in limbo as the deadline nears for the club to find an investor to repay its £237m debt.
"This is a real shame", said Huang, "our strategy and unique ability to expand the Multi Party Co-operation system (Communism) into Europe would have been of benefit to all. We regret that we will not have the opportunity to implement this strategy".
"We apologise to the many Liverpool fans who provided expressed support for our efforts. I never meant to be such a tease and I wish the club great success in the years to come".
Still keen to keep his face in the papers, Huang insists that his quest to find another Premiership club is not yet at an end, “I am now considering my future options and will be making no further comment until I find out exactly whereabouts in England Everton FC are based.”
- 4 years ago
Fun Of A Preacher Man
Just when you thought organised Religion couldn’t possibly get any funnier, a story like this comes along.
Not content with being a ‘well-respected man of the cloth’, this Reverend ventured into the world of illegal immigration. This visionary saw the divisions within modern England and thought, “how can I help to mellow ethnic tensions…….I know, I’ll start a new race”.
1. Take one impoverished Somalian man looking to start a new life in a country that seemingly will offer him and his family security and a healthier future,
2. Make him feel like the lowest of the low, until he agrees that the only way to help his family back home is to enter into another marriage, and work on the London Underground for £20 a day,
3. Take a battered and mentally tortured Polish woman in her late teens, who has fled her homeland to seek a new life,
4. Introduce her to the aforementioned Somalian man and tell her she will marry him and that will allow her to start her new life…….working as a dancer in Spearmint Rhino,
5. Charge their new employees £10k to validate this Holy Matrimony, with the proviso that you never see them again,
It’s a modern day Cinderella Story. If only there were more Philanthropists like this Reverend, who was willing to take large amounts of money for smuggling people over the border and assisting in their ability to claim residence.
Reverend Alex Brown was convicted of aiding an illegal-immigration business, and shortly after released this statement:
"Only God can judge me. I am a modern day St Peter….or was it Paul…..anyway I’m like both of them. I helped my Children to find a home on Earth. Is that such a crime? Ok some of them were exploited and certain promises were never fulfilled, but every venture has its teething problems. All I am guilty of is having a golden heart."
A Robin Hood of the Anglican Church, or an Exploitative Devil dressed in textbook church clothing. Make your own minds up.
- 4 years ago
SICKO CYBER PUNKS HIJACK BT SOAP OPERA
The BT advert series first screened in 2005. The recent storyline has centred on Adam and Jane’s wedding, but in the latest instalments viewers were given the chance to take the story in a new direction and decide on What Happens Next? A recent episode featured Jane acting suspiciously nervous about breaking some news to Adam…
… the viewers were then prompted to go online to BT’s website to vote as to whether, a) Jane was pregnant, or b) Jane was not pregnant. The interactive advert campaign was a huge success attracting over 300,000 votes. However, shortly after the public decided that Jane was pregnant, BT’s website was illegally commandeered by cyber hackers. At approximately 17:00 GMT today fans of the advert soap opera, expecting to choose between ‘its a boy’ and ‘its a girl’ were presented with a rather unnerving, controversial list of options to choose from on the website. Many of the options have been deemed ‘too sick to print’; however it is understood that some of the choices available were:
What goes wrong with Jane & Adam’s pregnancy?
1. It is born black. Tiger Woods seeks custody,
2. It is born black. Doctors put it down to a 1 in a million genetic freak accident. Jane & Adam put the baby up for adoption,
3. It is born with both male and female genital parts,
4. Jane and Adam have a last minute change of heart, preferring to spend their money on the latest 50MB BT Tv On Demand package, they decide to have an abortion.
Amazingly, the doctored website options remained live and online for over 24 hours until the head of advertising at BT, Jane Reynolds, returned from annual leave to find over 300,000 complaints referred via OfCom, the UK’s independent telecommunications regulator. Mrs. Reynold was quick to point the finger at rival broadband provider, Virgin Media, claiming, “Only that c*** Branson has the means and the know how to facilitate such a merciless attack on BT. How would he like it if we hijacked his Virgin Galactic website and advertised trips to the Sun for the terminally ill?”.
Meanwhile, ISP providers have announced that they have isolated the cybercrime outfit to a 1 bedroom flat in Batley, West Yorkshire. Eyebrows have also been raised as to how the sabotaged poll managed to attract 28,000 votes for option 2 on the list.
- 4 years ago
(Alco)hol lot better
"You’re always drunk, I don’t even know who you are any more Jonathan"
These unfortunate tirades mistakenly directed at arthritis sufferers, may now become a thing of the past. A recent research project has revealed that instead of accelerating the onslaught of liver failure and psychological problems, alcohol may well be a legitimate medicinal solution in the quest to cure achy bone syndrome. Scientists have carried out numerous studies on Barn Owls and the results have been startling. Of the 7 Owls used in the experiment (all of whom had arthritic beaks), six claimed to feel remarkably better after the strict diet of Southern Comfort for 14days. The other Owl simply died.
One of the first to show signs of pain-relief and zen-like levels of comfort, was Brian (32) from Kidderminster:
"I’ve not felt this good in years. Three weeks ago I couldn’t even lift a pool cue…now look at me" slurred Brain.
These results have been met with scorn from some senior medical figures, with one commenting that the study was a ‘fucking sham’.
It remains to be seen if the Scientists carrying out these tests have given us a major medical break through, or whether they simply got 7 Owls completely wasted for their own amusement.
- 4 years ago
Taking The Crisp
A furious 5yr old was today cleared of any wrong-doing, in a case that has gripped the whole of Ireland. A regular Saturday morning jaunt to the local supermarket, turned into a nightmare scene of chaos and tears for local boy Tadg Mooney when he was accused of stealing a packet of crisps. The chief protagonist in this sorry affair was Englishman Martin Ducker, who reportedly grabbed the youngster by the scruff of the neck and allegedly said “it’s always the potatoes with you lot”.
Obviously tension runs deep between these two embittered nations, and memories of the Potato Famine have been stirred by recent events. Mr Ducker was unavailable for comment after the trial, but a spokesperson did comment:
"It was an unfortunate incident and a total misunderstanding. Mr Ducker had been under a great deal of stress at the time, and had recently discovered his fiancée was having an affair with local politician Bertie McCreedy. He does not hate ‘every Irishman’ and is sorry for his action".
Tadg Mooney was awarded 7,500 Euro’s, which he used to purchase a years supply of Seabrook Crisps.
- 4 years ago
CANADIAN PRIEST NOT SORRY FOR GIVING DOG HOLY COMMUNION
The controversy began last month when four-year-old Trapper, a German Shepherd dog, and his owner, Donald Keith, 56, attended St Peter’s Anglican Church in Toronto for the first time. "The minister welcomed me and said come up and take communion, so Trapper came up with me and the minister gave him communion as well," Mr Keith told the Toronto Star.
Rev. Marguerite Rea received complaints from Christians all over Canada as the news spread that she had fed Holy Communion bread to a German Shepherd dog named ‘Trapper’. Area Bishop Patrick Yu said the priest had contravened church policy with her “strange and shocking” actions.
Once onlooker said, “I was so appalled I thought I was going to be sick there and then in the church”.
However, the news was welcomed by Animal Rights activists all over the globe. Jack Llama, head of the US Animal Liberation Society, was quick to offer his full support to Rev. Rea, “for many years our neighbours in Canada have operated a two tier system, no longer can we sit by and tolerate their appalling apartheid regime any longer”.
The overwhelming international response may, however, be of little consolation to Rev. Rea who is now faced with charges for war crimes carring a potential 12 year sentence.
Nelson Mandela, former President of South Africa, has also extended his support to Rev. Rea, “This was a bold step that she has taken. In my country we go to prison first and then become President… perhaps the same is true of Canada too”.
Rev. Rea’s lawyer read a brief statement on her behalf, “I can understand how my actions may have come as a shock to some people; however I have long dreamed of a Canada where men and dogs are free to take Holy Communion side by side”.
The trial begins next Wednesday at the Supreme Court in Toronto.
It’s a dog eat god world that’s for sure.
- 4 years ago
BIG BROTHER WELCOMES NEW HOUSEMATES
Channel 4 have confirmed that 10 more housemates will enter the house tonight, bringing the total number of housemates up to 436.
Among the new contestants, desparate for the once in a lifetime opportunity to ‘be themselves’ in front of millions of viewers, are Buck Lodgers, a black, 1 legged, trans-gender lesbian from Hull, Yoshi Huragi, a Mongalian samurai in exile for mass genocide, Hubert Bracegirdle, a laboratory research assistant from Kent, Shesh (meaning Brown Bear) who is an inuit from Greenland, and our very own favourite, Pete Daws from Braintree who has been the face of Michelen tyres since 1966.
The news comes as a great shock, for fans of the show that has been running for 10 years, who woke up to the news this morning that all of the housemates had been replaced by pet animals. Housemates were given a task yesterday to state what animal each of their fellow housemates would be if they were not human. Little did they know of the repercussions of Big Brother’s most cunning task yet.
In an exclusive interview with the show’s director, Bill Eager Jones, he explained that Big Brother felt that their ongoing success was the simplicity of just putting 10 people in a house and letting the social warfare pan out in a purely natural, un-coerced environment. "Tomorrow we will be taking 5 of the housemates to London zoo dressed as teletubbies whilst the remaining housemates will take part in a cook-off with Monica from Friends", said Jones.
What crazy antics, twists and tales will the producers come up with next? Stay tuned at 9 ‘o’ clock to find out, I know I will.
- 4 years ago
FOUL MOUTHED PARROT’S RAMPAGE COMES TO AN END
At first it might sound like a small time news story for a small time, horseless town with less news to report than (is permitted) in Pyongyang. But nothing could be further than the truth.
As reported by the Manchester Evening News
On approximately 22 July 2010 Jed the parrot broke loose from the confines of his home in Salford after finding his partner in bed with a police parrot. A terrifying rampage ensued thereafter. Eye witnesses report that Jed returned to his home approximately 1 hour later, possibly high on ketamine, and brutally murdered his partner and her lover with his bare beak. “It was horrible”, said one bystander, “he was pecking them repeatedly in the eyes… they begged him to stop but it was no use”.
Jed’s killing spree continued across the heart of Manchester City Centre, seemingly raping and killing people at random. Current reports indicate that a cyclist, postman and a group of emo’s are among the dead. Several pet owners are also shocked to discover that their pets have been raped, Jed seemingly having a sexual appetite for cats, dogs and even hamsters.
The death toll is now believed to be in the region of 24; however it is understood that up to 50 more people may have been brutally insulted by Jed’s foul mouthed beak. Lisa Biley, from Bury, reports that she was sat in her garden soaking up the rays when a parrot, believed to be Jed, perched momentarily on a garden fence and called her a "disgusting excuse for a human being". Lisa attempted to defend herself with a garden rake; however by the time she had composed herself Jed was long gone… off to claim his next victim.
The maniac’s rampage eventually came to a close 7 days later when, following numerous reports of foul mouthed attacks in the town of Bury, Jed was finally cornered by the River Irwell. Jed is believed to have been hiding out in an abandoned badger tunnel. The standoff with police lasted until the early hours of the morning until Jed took his own life with a nailgun. The shot was heard for miles around.
Whilst the town of Bury undoubtedly wakes up to a safer place, the residents must now come to terms with what has been a incredibly dramatic and long ordeal. Three parrots have been arrested and charged in connection with assisting Jed during his reign of tyranny. Facebook groups in support of Jed, and even a Youtube tribute video, have caused outrage among familes of the dead, raped and verbally insulted. Those that controversially sympathise with Jed explain that they can understand his volatile state of mind, having a dark and troubled past, some say a ‘depraved upbringing’ in Salford. The saga continues, but for now Bury tries to pick up the pieces.
Jason Bumford, 8 out of 10 twats
- 4 years ago
Red Devils Ban the Burqa…
I used to consider myself a fairly tolerant, liberal, open minded citizen (unlike the French). All this talk of banning the burqa over recent months/years had therefore gone in one ear and out my nose. If anything I would have ‘backed the burqa’, even implementing a nationwide strategy whereby we could forcefully impose burqa’s on ugly women. However, recent developments have forced my hand and I have now had to reconsider my position. I am of course talking about this recent abomination of our holy prophet in Malaysia:
MUSLIMS in Malaysia must NOT wear Manchester United’s kit because it badge features a devil, senior clerics in the country said today.
Banned … clerics say Muslims must not wear Man Utd shirt’s because they feature the devil
I hereby call, on behalf of MUFAMF (Manchester Utd Fans Against Malaysian Fascists), a Jihad on Malaysia. Being a muslim convert thus is within my powers. This puts God in a rather awkward situation regarding conflicts of interests for which he is currently seeking legal advice. That’s right, we are using their most powerful weapon (God) against them.
To be clear, I hereby no longer recognise Malaysia as a state. Thats right, if Malaysia walked past me in the street I would not recognise it. Our objective is to wipe them off the face of Google Maps. I have already written to the Google politely requesting that they put the necessary arrangements in place.
Mark my words the Red Devils have started to retaliate. All MUFAMF members are now petitioning the government for a referendum to ban the burqa. News has it that a few hardcore Satanists are also on board with the new MUFAMF movement which, according to the latest polls, has now outgrown the embarrassing failure MUST.
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. Ban the burqa…..
- 4 years ago